If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
