17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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