I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
True strength comes from lack of pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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