i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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