Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
