i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
