every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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