Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
