He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
