He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
