I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
