i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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