Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
