I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
