Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
