The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
