My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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