Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
