i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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