I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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