Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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