I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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