Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
