Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize