Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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