Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
