proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
