Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
