Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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