the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
