Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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