Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
