So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
