he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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