I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
