It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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