I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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