he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
