I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
