i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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