I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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