im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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