would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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