I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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