hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
