My underwear smells like fireworks.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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