my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
