i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
