dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
