Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
